Sounding Out the Love Part 2

The wonder of this work really shows up when I’m in a sweat, whether literal or metaphor. Instead of falling back into old coping mechanisms when I am triggered by a circumstance or person I now have the tools to step out of the story and finally put an end to the behaviors that before kept me looping and stuck in the stories.

I received counsel during the interview with Leyolah and Luna Astraea at the end of this training that I knew immediately was a gift of Divine proportions. It was really simple as most truths tend to be. I was counseled that it was past time to mature away from the old need/loop to be liked. I laughed. I was delighted at how easy it was to hear this perfect and true counsel. We three laughed and agreed that this counsel applies to most of us some of the time.
First thing the morning after the interview an examination of the need to be liked was triggered and I had fodder to either process or loop in. Thanks to the fact that I was fresh and clear from the weeks work I knew immediately which childhood story had come up. Now instead of wallowing in the story what happened can be described as a surrendering to it. Instead of becoming the story I witnessed it. Rather than feeling put upon and out of sorts because I had been triggered I sensed joy at the journey of discovery that was opening up for me. I asked a question. “What’s with this need to be liked and where was it born?”

I witnessed that my choices in childhood around what I liked and disliked had been compromised at best, denied completely at worst. I witnessed my opinion not mattering and the resulting loss of trust in self. I witnessed taking up the spear of judgment and criticism that was used against me. It was when I witnessed myself hating that I felt I had uncovered the heart of the answer to the question. Intuitively I sensed that loving self or another completely and unconditionally isn’t possible when there is a hidden kernel of un-owned hatred anywhere in our being. A part of me was out of integrity with who I am as love and until I owned the lack of integrity neediness would show up as a symptom.
Standing into, by witnessing the hate that I had generated wouldn’t have been possible until now. Sharing this process without the back story hasn’t been possible until now.

I have enjoyed this dance with the shadows and light. I am delighted to find that the light and dark are merging, not into hazy grey but an illuminated silver.