The Scenes We Never Forget or Do You Remember?

They were the deep heart wrenching sobs of hopelessness, helplessness and despair that the heart of a grown woman can drown in. Id sworn off tears, sworn that Id shed enough. Yet the sunshine of the day, the beauty of the garden around me, the chores chattering couldnt reach me at those depths.

I was frightened as usual by my own crying. I cant listen to anybody crying without getting fearful of repercussions. Since time began nobody comes when I cry and I feel like I am never going to come back from the vale of tears Ive built. Nobody is coming now, nobody is coming, nobody, Im nobody. There is a desert inside that denies the moisture pouring down my face from parts of me I dont recognize. What am I doing out in the open like this? I feel around myself for the cause of the question. Yes, there it is.

There is a scared little boy around the corner of the house, I can feel that hes more scared than me of my tears. He thinks he caused them and he is stiff with fear. I have to pull myself back for him, I have to call him over. I have to say you think you hurt me, I have to say no you didnt hurt me, I have to say you want to help Mom stop hurting, I have to say hug me, let me hug you that will help us stop hurting.

As a motherless child I have to say these things or disappear into the shame of knowing Im the adult here and that child needs me to comfort him or suffer the shame of knowing I didnt give to him the very nurturance I sobbed for. I can be the somebody to come and help him and somehow that will help me.

Oh joy in a childs eyes whose Mothers arms reach to comfort and hold, Oh healing joy for the Motherless child who reaches for joy in a childs eyes.