A Boney Medicine Story: A Vessel of Peace Journey

Have you ever wondered how to bring up and process the life issues that you sense are stopping you from being all that you really are? Me too! It took years to notice, but there has always been a tried and true method for bringing up “stuff”. It is as simple as stepping off into the unknown, be it on a physical journey or through a commitment to a task never done before. In the past I would wonder about the sometimes uncontrollable fears that would come up when I willingly stepped into an unknown. Today I’ve learned to bless that fear as a sign of processing work on my inner horizon.

When fear started showing up around facilitating a women’s circle I took it personally forgetting to bless the fear. Before long I felt overwhelmed with unease, self criticism and a raft of other life reducing old coping mechanisms. A feeling of being flakey that has haunted my days off and on since I can remember, and her sister, a sense of not enoughness were back with a vengeance. It wasn’t until a feeling of anger, focused toward another entered the picture that I remembered to bless my fear and look deeper inside. This is what I found:

It is about love. It is about loving me. I need to love me, it’s not about anybody else. It’s about the walls I’ve built, I can feel/see/hear/smell them. The walls began as childhood coping mechanisms; they’re now in my way. Remove the brick called Grandma doesn’t love me, I can see better now. Remove the brick called Mother doesn’t love me, remove the sister brick admit they loved me, feel that love. A few days go by while I grieve and glory in the feelings of love I’ve long denied. For the first time in this life I declare to the universe that I do need women in my life. I need women in my life. I need women. I need honest women, who care for people. I need devout women who care for their spiritual path and also want to share their dedication. I need joy and laughter, light hearted clean fun. I am willing to offer my best to a friendship with a woman and so I need the best in return. I need talented, courageous women in my life that I may be challenged to be all that I can be. I need these women as they need me. We are truly supportive of ourselves first, and each other on the next breathe.

The next day I hear of another women’s circle, a Red Cedar circle that is coming together to meet weekly. I know many of these women; we’ve never seen each other in this Light. We share our teachings, our love. We love each other. I cry at the sound of a young woman singing her heart out about the walls that stop love from reaching it’s destination. My heart is full to the brim before I remember the message I sent the universe about needing women.

The next evening again, I feel an urge to listen to the last recorded Doulas meditation. It is the call where we acted as both birthers and the birthed. I take notes and study the format, closing my eyes to join the silent meditation. Love rolls over me in long waves like the tears rolling down my cheeks. Grandmother, Mother, Sister love fill my being until I explode.



And then They were there… They’ve been calling me, reaching for me, supporting me all the days of my life. Since I was unconscious of their presence and love I wasn’t able to walk completely in my own shoes. I was a ghost of myself. I’ve had it backwards, our ancestors are not the ghosts. Without them, without respect and acknowledgement of my matriarchal lineage I am a ghost of myself. This Doulas series opened me, helped me make the space, gestate and process that this re-birthing could occur.



Tears wash my face releasing years of feeling flakey and not enough. Inside me now I can feel my power and esteem backed by generations of women, mothers, grandmothers, aunties and sisters. These women dreamed of me, dreamed for me, made me possible. I have been a caricature of myself without acknowledging, honouring and thanking the courageous matrilineal heritage that is mine. These are my foremothers and I am blessed to be able to invite them to take up permanent residence in my heart.


I have long sensed an emotional immaturity lurking and ready to spring at the most inconvenient times. I have felt pride about that which is not mine to feel prideful, and have not felt pride around that which I might. I’ve felt this imbalance in my spirit body, with my left side, the feminine side energetically feeling pulled out of shape. I realize now that it was a hollowness that was pulling my energetic body out of shape. That shapelessness creates the feelings of not enough and flakiness. We are bags of flesh without the bones of our ancestors to hinge our musculature upon.

I found the bones of my matriarchal lineage and invited them home. As I write this I remember a conversation I had with Spirit Bear months ago. She had gifted me a bear bone, placing it in my back, telling me it would dissolve when I no longer needed it. I didn’t know I needed it then, now I know/feel I don’t need it any longer. Thank you, thank you great Spirit Bear.

Next I’m walking Peace, Om Shanti, Salaam, Shalom and a vision of the boney exoskeleton of Spider Woman has me laughing with her. Since she appeared months ago offering herself as guide and guardian to the creation of a new circle of service, she has led me to reclamation of this feminine power, the bones of my female ancestors. This boney miracle is one of her gifts/teachings. Thank you thank you Spider Woman