Days, weeks, months became years and she grew into a young girl. Gloria had the feeling that something wasn’t right in her world, she often had the feeling that life wasn’t supposed to be like this. On the inside she felt perfect and cared for but more and more on the outside things weren’t supposed to be like this. This was in fact painful, with some days more pain filled than others.
As a baby Gloria had heard and loved when her Mother crooned to her about how beautiful and perfect and loved she was. It came as quite a shock the first time Gloria was told she was a bad girl and that she should be a good girl. How could she be good when she was already perfect? Being told everyday that she was a bad girl didn’t convince Gloria that she was a bad girl. In the quiet, alone outside under a favorite tree, Gloria always knew and felt she was perfect and loved.
One day Gloria was caught red handed being her perfect and loved self when she was being punished for being her bad self. Thunder and lighting and screaming and yelling broke out. That was when she knew it would be helpful if she at least pretended some of the time that she was a bad girl and ashamed of herself. Gloria still knew on the inside that she was perfect and loved and she held that knowing close. On the outside, as much as she could, in order to keep herself safe, she pretended to be ashamed of herself, she pretended to be a bad girl.
More years fly by and with those years the knowing on the inside of being perfect and loved faded and withered until Gloria finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was less than perfect and undeserving of something as wondrous as love. She completely forgot she was just pretending.
More years, much painful separation from feeling the truth, sometimes more painful for knowing with the mind but still not able to feel with the heart the truth of being perfect and loved…and grief over something unknowable and unnamed that is lost. And yet and yet...
Through the years since the indoctrination in separation began, there were light filled moments. These moments glimmered like a firefly, making Gloria ask if she really saw what she saw. She knew she couldn't get any crazier than she already was so she decided to answer the call. Gloria yearned to play with that inner light. And play she did until every waking moment was taken with her yearning to play with what she now knew was her own light.
And as the light grew shadows emerged seeming to mask the light. Joy and grief, grief and joy, joy and grief. The light grew, the shadows came clearer and bone chilling deep down and dirty clearer. Joy grief joy grief joy grief! And yes, anger at having been betrayed from the inside out.
The day Gloria woke up to the fact she was pretending she remembered a cartoon quip she'd seen the day before...it went something like this:
A five year old child is being given an exercise in using your imagination by an elder. The child is told to pretend to be in a room full of ferocious lions who are going to bite you and then asked what she's going to do. The child answered, I'd stop pretending.
Mother Divine I know that You were here helping uncover this pretense. I know too Mother that You are helping me remember from this moment, forward and back through the timelines and dimensions that I am and have always been perfect and loved. My hands, feet, heart and soul yearn to serve to this message of Divine Love from the Mother. So be it.
November 28th 2010 by Anne Cressy
When I started writing this piece I used my name. About halfway through I saw that almost any name could be inserted. This is dedicated to Gloria Rivers.
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